I am going to try my best to not make this a bitter diatribe against the youth of today and the youth of the church but it might be difficult. Some background in where I am coming from on this topic might be helpful as well. About 6 months after I got married to my beautiful wife her mother passed away from breast cancer leaving behind four children, two of which were still teenagers. As the only married sibling and perhaps the most stable family my wife and I were asked and decided to move into my mother-in-laws home to take care of the two younger siblings. Within a few months of moving in we were able to help the oldest enter the mission field and only had the youngest, a senior in High School, left at home with us. The year that followed as we strove to help her finish high school and enter college was riddled with difficulty that came down to one thing. My sister-in-law was immature and selfish and even with every sacrifice my wife and I had made for her she seemed to believe that we didn't care about her and did not do anything for her. I thought for a moment that perhaps this was just her way of dealing with her mother's passing until I realized that she had always been this way. It has caused me to take a serious look at the youth around me and pray that the line in the song stating that "the children are our future" is horribly wrong or at least giving them more credit than reality will come to show us.
Working with the youth in the church now I worry about the mentality that a lot of the youth are being brought up with. I worry about the future of the church and of our nation and now that my wife and I are going to be starting our family I worry about how to raise my children in order to help them over come the selfishness, the dim-wittedness, and the gross incompetence that seems to be in abundance with some of our youth. I was attending a scout/youth training meeting a few weeks ago and heard a startling statistic. The speaker told us that only 3 out of every 10 deacons in a quorum would end up serving a mission. That since the church has "raised the bar" the number of missionaries in the field has decreased by over 30,000. I was also startled to learn that the number of sister missionaries went from totalling 10% of the mission force to now over 20% of the active mission force. What has happened to our young men? What can we do with our youth? As parents what can be done?
I didn't write this post as a solution that I have found at all. Having started at the opposite end of the spectrum raising a 19 and a 17 year old instead of starting with a baby and going the normal route I am actually at a loss for words and worry about my future kids. I guess that this post is more of a search for advice more than a giving of advice. So parent's of the church and progenitor's of our future leaders, what are some of the things you have done to help your children? What are some of the tactics/teaching methods you have employed or have seen employed to help our children and youth develop into strong members of the church and intelligent members of society? I don't want to hear why you believe the kids are screwed up. This country has become so accustomed to playing the blame game and pointing fingers instead of taking the initiative to clean up the mess that it makes me sick. No blame game, solutions are what we need. What do you have?
Since just being released as young mens president in my ward I am aware of some of these questions or challenges that you feel. Maybe not specifically but generally. The young men I served were amazing, spiritual, but often were prissy and complaining about having to do activities of the quorum. Before I was called, the previous young mens president had lived in the ward his whole life and was now in his late fifties - the familes were very attached to him. I felt as if the young men were not converted to the church as much as they were converted to him. So I made it my goal to help each one of them gain a testimony. I figured once they had that, the rest was manageable and that time would be their best teacher.
ReplyDeleteWhile I only served for 11 months in that capacity I learned one very important thing about being in youth leadership - love and example are your ONLY self possessed tools to helping the youth. The rest is prayer, faith, and trust in the Lord to make up for your efforts.
The handbook is very clear, youth leadership is not to replace parenting but is to support and develop the relationship between the children and their parents. One of the most destructive things a young men's leader can do is to be more concerned with being their friend and their parent than being their exemplar and teacher. There is a reason they are called advisor's and not some other title as a pseudo-parent. The youth struggle to find a place in life. A majority of the struggles and trials of youth are them trying to find their place of acceptance. Making young men's and the church that place of acceptance is a noble goal. In time, they will see that-it just takes time. It might not be while they are in the youth program. Sometimes it takes some time away from home before they realize it.
In a way that is why we are here on this earth. To find who we are, what we can become, and sometimes that takes time away from who we want to be like before we figure that out. Hope that helps.
Thanks for that, James. I am currently going through a problem in my ward with my oldest daughter. The YW presidency are more worried about teaching them about make-up, clothes, and semi-secular subjects rather than, Oh, I don't know, helping prepare them to go to the Temple, for example.
ReplyDeleteThere is very little parental support asked for (or appreciated) and some of the information we hear from my daughter and other parents is that there is some (perceived) subtle undermining of the parental authority in some instances.
My poor daughter comes home from YW distraught because she wants to badly to discuss the gospel in these settings, and in return they feed her spirit the equivalent of marshmallow cream.
Yes, it is the parents' responsibility first and foremost to educate and teach the children, but so many of the Brethren have stated, unequivocally, over the years that the youth organizations are to support and help that gospel teaching process. While I appreciated having the "friendly" YM advisor as a youth, I look back and wish there had been more testimony-building and spirit-strengthening rather than basketball and video nights.
As a result, I would like something better for my kids.
I think the lower quality youth is a direct reflection of priorities in the home. We know the biggies in society such as drop out father's that ditch some girl they get pregnant, but I think the decrease in quality of some of the youth in the church has to do with members prioritizing their lives out of congruence with the gospel plan. We buy into the "American Dream" as defined by our modern society - A big new house in the suburbs, a nice new car or two, and cookie cutter children with all the trimmings of the good life. Brigham Young said;
ReplyDeleteWe have gone just as far as we can be permitted to go in the road on which we are now traveling. One man has his eye on a gold mine, another is for a silver mine, another is for marketing his flour or his wheat, another for selling his cattle, another to raise cattle, another to get a farm, or building here and there, and trading and trafficking with each other, just like Babylon. . . . Babylon is here, and we are following in the footsteps of the inhabitants of the earth, who are in a perfect sea of confusion. Do you know this? You ought to, for there are none of you but what see it daily; . . . the Latter-day Saint trying to take advantage of their brethren. There are Elders in this Church who would take the widow's last cow, for five dollars, and then kneel down and thank God for the fine bargain they had made.73
If we prioritize the gospel and make it part of our lives to read scriptures together, pray together, hold family home evening consistently, and attend our church meetings the rest of it comes together. I can speak from personal experience, I prioritized making lots of money and putting my family in a strained situation spiritually/emotionally. I live and work in California each week and then drive home on the weekends to Arizona to be with my wife and son and will deploy for an extended period of time all in the name of pursuing a better life. Originally I had planned on making a potential career out of this job, but for now it's nothing more than a short term means of paying ofF student loans and getting us in a situation free from debt, but I no longer desire to rake in the money as I did when I first started this job. Reason being I would rather work a 9-5 mundane job bagging groceries at Albertson's and have a happy family that loves each other and loves the gospel, then the big house and all the toys that come with a societally defined "success" and have a family that is cold and more concerned with their individual activities. So to sum up this rambling, I think the key to success in raising good kids is sticking to the primary answers: Pray, Read the Scriptures, and Go to Church.
IM, I would say, do your best to be that something better for your kids. You might suggest to your bishop that they review the handbook with the leaders, particularly the section that references that the leaders are not to supplant the role of parents in the home. Most leaders in the past have not followed this and maybe because it is newer and they are functioning under a different impression as to what the calling is about.
ReplyDeleteI believe the handbook for that section is on line or in distribution centers for your own perusal. Honestly, it was news to me that such direct counsel existed. Your daughters leaders might be well intentioned but slightly misdirected is all.
The only advice I can give when it comes to your own children is too teach them the precious nature of life and the importance of the gospel in providing a path of happiness for themselves.
ReplyDeleteI was raised in a family of 9 kids and my parents also took in foster children. I was taught by example how lucky our family was that we loved each other more than drugs, alcohol, or an abusive partner. None of my siblings or I would be considered easy teenagers. Of the 9 kids I was the only one to never have a period of inactivity in the church. I was also the only one to never try drugs, alcohol or cigarettes. If you speak to my parents though I was the hardest to raise. They trusted me not to do anything illegal if I felt that it would affect anyone other than myself, but if I felt only I could be hurt I had no fear of the consequences. What eventually brought each of us kids back to the gospel and actively trying to live in a celestial manner was realizing we were happiest when we followed the teachings of the gospel.
I credit my parents with a stroke of genius. Through foster care we saw the blessings we enjoyed. We also learned selfless charity. My parents gave each of us a monthly allowance for our "needs" but every time we took in a new foster child we were asked if we could share a portion of our allowances to help provide clothing and toys for the child. We were never required to give, but foster children rarely come into a home with more than the clothes on their backs. Sometimes we would give a dollar, sometimes if we had an immediate attachment to the child we were willing to give all our allowance to the child. Eventually when all of us kids were old enough we just had an understanding among us kids that we would tell our mother to buy whatever was needed and we would split the cost between us.
My YW leaders were good. I still keep in touch with them, but when I was 16 and bringing my best friend to church, who happened to be a non-member, I spoke to my leaders and told them how disappointing it was to bring an investigator to church and to waste her time with makeup application lessons instead of teaching her the truth.
It worked. All lessons had a spiritual lesson after that. It was amazing and that was when the real bonding happened between us girls and our leader.
My greatest fear in life is failing as a parent and losing a child (spiritually).
ReplyDeleteGreat White Hope said: "If we prioritize the gospel and make it part of our lives to read scriptures together, pray together, hold family home evening consistently, and attend our church meetings the rest of it comes together."
Family prayer, scripture study, FHE, and church attendance have got to be non-negotiable. Until they are, don't waste effort on anything else.
Beyond those basics, a tradition that has really helped me (four teenagers right now) is a bi-annual father-son/daddy-daughter activities. We plan them during FHE to occur a week or two before the school year starts and again in February. The child picks where we go eat and what we do after/before we eat (e.g. movie, bowling, etc), then we end with some serious talking (i.e. interview). The quality of these interviews has been directly tied to my level of spiritual preparation for them.
Personal revelation will also help steer your parental course. Years ago, I was frustrated with my children's selfishness and prayed about it. One of the clearest answers to any other prayer came to me, "Your children are selfish because you are selfish." This caused some introspection and repentance that has benefited my whole family. Additionally, it lead me to the following talk that all parents should digest, especially the part about the spiritual effects of spoiling children:
Joe J. Christensen, “Greed, Selfishness, and Overindulgence,” Ensign, May 1999, 9
Good luck and have faith.